The federal government, in partnership with major corporations throughout the global economy, are taking novel steps to address the current financial crisis. "There's a great deal of access to information, technology and natural resources that we haven't event tapped" said Borges Plenty, head of equity for a 203 billion mutual fund.
"Corporate balance sheets have been battered. However, the good news is, this allows the Federal Government the flexiblity they need to try out new ideas, new ways of approaching the problems which face us, and even a 'shoot-from-the-hip' approach these days --- that characterisc macho action that thinking liberals normally hesistate at --- actually is pretty cool" said Sara Purchaseton, retail developer for Rapid Profit Machine, Sandy Ego, California.
Plenty and Profit are both talking about the federal government's implementation of Federal Allowance For Bag People or, also known as Standardized Funding for Plastic Bag Management (PBM). The government is hiring over 3 million workers of the next year to pick up plastic bags hanging from trees, blown down empty dust-bowl streets, and even going door-to-door to ask individuals to process their plastic bags. "These are the everyday, random plastic bags that people see flying about." said Heath Plastique, who set up a "Bag-monitor" which tracks the dispersement of Federal money for plastic bags.
"If you ask me, the idea seems a little ridiculous, but I guess it makes sense, given the economic stimulus this country needs to get going in the right direction" said a Treasury insider who declined to be indentified because of having the entire Treasury Department's Facebook profile come under attack.
Other details of the PBM include hiring workers at whatever salary they were previously earning at their old jobs to snatch up bags that happen to be floating by. "For each bag they pay $5, capped at the salary limit of the worker's previously salary." said Ego Machine, a client of Rapid Profit.
Part of the program requires all workes to wear AIG tee-shirts, in an effort to promote the failed insurance company that the US governement has taken over. "I wear my AIG, I stand in the super market, and wait until everyone's not looking, and I grab some bags" said Parker Abelson, a recent MBA fired from Hal's Hedge Fund, midtown Manhatten.
Even the fashion industry has been affected by the PBM requirements, afraid the Treasury will hire away models to pick up plastic bags in parks, zoos and subway stations. "This is pretty creepy" said Benson Marson, editor of Vogue Magazine's plastic bag special edition. "I've seen trends come and go, but to see my girls go down to Wall Street and put on overalls and look around for --- bags??"
"We're proud of our economy, and all the bags floating around. People know right away, 'Hey, there's a bag, I'll get it.' People know that bags don't look good flying in your face. People have the alienable right, as True Americans, to be paid for a full bag's worth. Plastic bags are part of not only an entire solution to our economic crisis, but the key ingredient, the ultimate piece of paradise that our entire solar economy, from the land of our father's to the the land that we ultimately will be picking up bags for our children, that governement will play an instrumental role." said Giving Head to My Old Bag, a hedge fund which issues receipts to individuals who deposit bags into their "buns", a special machine which decompresses the bags into tiny shapes to resemble actual United States currency. In turn, this new US plastic currency is purchased by the Treasury department, then underwritten and sold to China as 'Bag Bonds', which are then un-compressed and recycled into regular Chinese fast-food bags that you get when you order your chinese food in mid-town Manhatten.
Giving Head to My Old Bag claimed that "business in the plasic bag-recycling-financial-crisis" has been brisk. "I've never seen so many regular people bagged out of proportion. And obviously, the government has been squeezing my hot buns for of their currency. By the end of the day, my buns are tired."
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