Razor Kitty Fax Detergent Versus Ancient Fever Rerun

Super Processing Manager

more animals

Part II - The Cronicles of Harve - Harve Recommended calls MOMS (Mothers-On-Moms)

"Hello, Mothers-On-Moms Service (MOMS), How may I help you"

"My name is Harve Recommened, and my mother, Baraba, will be calling me in about 1 hour. She always calls me and asks me about my job, how's the weather, do I need some food to be mailed to me, and how's my girlfriend, or if I'm going to marry her. I'm really hungover today, I got somewhat laid by this other chick at the bar, not my regular girlfriend, and I'm puking. I just don't feel like dealing with her. And obviously I can't talk about this --- you know, the getting-laid part, and then getting up to puke on this girl I was with. Can you help?"

"Sure, where did you hear about MOMS?"

"I must of seen it on some building, or on cable, the cupcake channel with "Other Women". I saw it also on "What Planet Are You On?" and on "I'm Over With This" dot com. " I also watch a lot of Apple 3g.

"Okay, Mr. Recommended?"

"I just go by 'Harve', everyone calls me 'Recommened' in the office."

"Why is that?

"I changed my last name to match the certificate I received from my employer: "Probably The Most Recommended Manager at CD-Pie Management Corporation"

"Okay, HARVE RECOMMENDED, its all the same with MOMS, isn't it?  HAHA. Anyway, Why dont you sit back, and allow us MOMS to do the work for you. Are you familiar with our services?"

"Well, as far as I know, you tape record my voice on the phone, and then using my own words, your computers are able to recreate my voice, speech pattern and intonation and communicate with other family and friends, automatically, as if it were me speaking. Your computers analyze the other person on the line, map it to a language base, and then selects words and phrases in response, and then uses my own voice recording to recreate a conversation with the words from the database. You also offer, as I recall, services for dying cancer patients, Ex-Girlfriends / Hookers, Employers and the IRS.

"Wow, you should be a MOMS!"

"Its okay, as a recruiter for CD-PIE Corporation, I'm in the business of knowing the most efficent use of technology. Plus, I was recommended by CD-Pie's Organizational Flow Chart Top 10 Promising Time Utilizational Fantasties For Individual People Who Love Their Family At Least Somtimes."

"Okay, sounds good. Let me get some credit card info. We charge a flat rate of $10 a minute. Are you comfortable with this?"

"Not really, but for my Mom, I think she will be happy that I at least paid the money so I  could "talk" with her, rather than her getting the answering machine. You know?

There is a brief break in the narrative while Harve gives out his credit card information. Any resembelence to an actual payment dialogue conversation is purely confidential. However, its absolutely required by law you read this disclaimer in italics based upon Commonly Renewable Acceptable Principles (CRAP). 

"Okay, Mr. Harve Recommended, we are all set. At the sound of the chirping buzzer dingbat-font facebook icon pdf cntl-del Microsoft blue screen, start a normal conversation with your dear old mother. Speak in a natural, relaxed manner. However, be a s succint and clear as possible. Simply articulate a common conversation you normally have with her. Talk slowly, yet in a mildly bored manner, as if you have said the same thing over and over again for over 30 years."

"Sounds good with me. I see Microsoft blue screening in front of me. Begin?"

"Yes, begin"

" ' Hi Mom, How are you doing? The weather is sunny, but it is cold. Sarah is okay. She is at pilates now. I'm having a cup of coffee and reading about Barak Obama in The New York Times. Everything is fine. Work is good. Its a little slow, but that is okay. Everybody is okay here, too. Next week, I think we are going to see Mr. Ableson. He is fine. He just bought that new Toyota Chicken Cutlet. You get a free McDonald's Chicken Cutlet for every 100 miles you drive. Isn't that funny? The Christmas card was nice. How are you doing? That's good? How is Parking Rehab doing? Okay? Well, I have to pick up Sarah. We are supposed to goto Open Depot. There's a sale going. We need to buy a Commonly Renewable Acceptable Principle screen door. She also wants to see PuppyTown later. They are so cute at PuppyTown. They also have a Food Court there, too. We're supposed to get snow later on. I hope your doing well. Love you , Mom. Signed, Harve Recommended ' "

"Wow, Mr. Recommended, that was very, very well recited."

"Thank you. I know it was pretty good.  I purchased Rosetta Stone's Language Translation Tool: "Talking in Redundant Languages".

"I never knew there was such a tool available."

"Neither did I, Signed, Harve Recommened"

"Where's Part III of The Cronicles of Harve?"

"Here"

Part I - The Cronicles of Harve - Harves' Deliverables

It has recently come to my attention that many employees assigned to the kitchen have been unable to identify my luncheon deliverables. My chicken salad sandwich, my little pickle package are labled as "HARVE'S DELIVEABLES', and it is up to each one of you to identify these items and place them on my desk promptly. As to which employee conducts this task is under the discretion of CD-Pie Management.  Normally, I enjoy my luncheon at 12 noon, but obviously I am completely flexible as to which employee acquires the responsibility of processing my luncheon deliverables. Using my mouth, I may either confirm receipt of such deliverables, or consume them. Either way, your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Also, I have noticed that the fax machine is flashing a message: "ADD MORE PAPER". I need someone to research this issue and report back to me. I have therefore disconnected the fax machine, carried it over to the maintenance department, and placed a large empty box in the place of the fax machine. Would somebody please call Home Depot and ask them to "ADD MORE PAPER" to the empty box? I assume this is what the message was saying. Once maintenance returns the fax machine, I will see to it that it is placed next to the box of refilled paper. Then I will hold a conference call with all you. It is my intention that your feedback may help resolve this issue.

This morning I was feeding myself in the parking lot, and noticed that my car steering was a little off. I alternated between steering the wheel, eating my Facebook Burger, and looking for my cell phone. I could not understand why this car that I owned was going in circles. I need one employee to fetch me the name and address of Vechicle Identification Number so I may write them down in violation of the General Do Not Disturb Harve While Parking written by CD-Pie.

Effective immediately, I need one or two employee / volunteers to budget all Birthdays, Holidays and Vacation time between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. CD-Pie has informed me this period of time is essentially useless, and a guaranteed time where no productivity is a accounted for. So, I need a Cake Committee, Clean-Up Committee, and a couple of you to aimlessly surf the web, post Facebook Burgers, and IM strangers during this time. Overtime may be required.

I am staring an organization called "Pumpkins for Cancer", and need someone to call U-Haul so we can load around 500 pumpkins that are sitting in my office. All of you will then start a line where we can start loading pumpkins. As a reward, and after each one of you washes your hands, I'll drive you all down to Applebees for lunch. From there, we'll decide which one of you will go back to the office and cover the phones, while the rest of us work from Applebees.

Management has informed me that the lengh of my mouse cord to my computer is over 100 feet! I need help accomdating the extra length by moving my PC farther away from my office, possible into one of your cubicles. Therefore, each morning when I come into the office, I will conduct a conference call to all of you, and ask who has my PC in their office, and if they are willing to power it on for me. I'll need to obviously know who is powering it on for me, so I can call you back in case I need to re-boot.

To promote our image in the recruitment of qualified candidates, we will be sending them in on a chariot or horse and buggy to interviews, dressed either in Pre-Victorian attire, carrying fresh danish, coffee and chocolates, along with their resume, to prospective employers. The name: CD-PIE MANAGEMENT CORPORATION will be appropriately displayed on T-Shirts of this strategy, and sold online. I need a employee to take my PC, with the mouse cord attached, and bring it down to Fed-Ex, and ship it to an e-commerce site, to set me up to manage the marketing of such an effort.

I need you to read Part II ASAP.

Offline Facebook Graphical User Interface Guidelines

First, Log off your Facebook account. Shutdown your laptop. Open your browser session to the beauty of typing out loud, from your mouth, to the fresh ears belonging to the physical presence of another human.

Ask your friend to spell his username, using his own voice and mannerisms. Look at him the eyes, pensively. Likewise, we recommend that you spell your username a couple of times  out loud so the system will get used to you talking to another human in a close spacial area.

After a valid entry, greet your friend using his or her username.
Spell your username to your friend. Assume you are saying "Hello".
Your friend should acknowledge your username by spelling it back to you before saying "Hello."
If you are confused, then consult the FAQ on Its.Okay.Facebook.Offline.com

Look at each other while taking turns spelling out your conversation. If one is suffering from hiccups, nausea, coughing, or some kind of errie non-verbal word composition display, merely Cut n' Paste such dialogue and email Facebook Authorities, Federal Bureau of Verbal Display and US House of Represenatives. We take such matters seriously, and will seriously prosicute, including live electrocution, of such members, exhibiting such atrocities.

Word wrap your exchange by turning your body around in a circle. Clap 2 times and point to your friend. Don't be shy.

If there is any network congestion, slightly push your friend on the shoulder. This should refresh his connection. If he's been slurring his typing, then clock him one.

Communicate using typewritten words by referring to standards issued by Facebook.com. You should do this as soon as possible to avoid the delay in setting up your offline Facebook friends.

Normally, space your typewritten dialogue by saying the actual word "space" between words rather than spelling out the word "space." (It would be somewhat ridiculous to see someone spelling out "space", according to Officials for Facebook Offline Morals and Instutional Binding Methodology Society)

Take turns spelling your conversation with each other; if you are embarassed by conducting offline Facebook conversations in public, smile convincingly to strangers. Respond to non-Facebook questions by replying "Are you my friend?" Normally, offline non-Facebook individuals seem to respond to questions posed by pronounciating the spelled words. Obviously, when connected to your online Facebook-account holder, they would be unable to grasp such vocal emissions. Type out your understanding to them by directing them to movement of mouth from which effortlessly flows the pure typewritten meanings that only Facebook individuals have the capacity to understand.

In the event you and your offline Faceicon are either confused, or are lost and staggaring through the life of Facebook Offline, then proceed with the following emergnecy procedure:

First, each of you should identify the laptop appopriate bound to your kidney, sticking out from your body. Just get it out somehow. Using your pointing fingers, issue login commands to each other, identifying each other's goal in submitting conversation using Facebook graphical user interface. Stand back and observe each other's appropriate enthusiasm. Very much happiness will be delivered to each other wall space in the process.

You may even be amused to consider that other Facebook participants have endured the frustration the above offline Facebook service agreement and have actually been compenstated with a free week of online Cafe Mocha Facebookchino coffe at Starbuzz Coffee.

The above message was brought to you exclusively by Starbuzz Coffee in the former center of finance, New York City, now known as New Bailout City. Any resemblences to institutions receiving billions of dollars for living it up, getting laid and taking vacations, is purely a subject of legal justification. This warning is intended to be merely insulting to humanity and a great source of ignorance. No similiaries to fact are intended nor complied with.

Poorly constructed verbal abuse to others

You smell like my laundy needs to be done.
Your nose is on your face.
If you were any happier, you'd owe me a millions dollars and you would pay without asking.
You look like you just got laid.
Half of your problem is that you ate my sandwich.
Guess you like to work harder than me.

ATTENTION: ACTION LIST FOR LAZY PEOPLE

Set alarm clock. Wake Up to Alarm. Go back to Bed
Pick up Whatever
Walk to Kitchen. Forget Something? Try Again.
Netflix Movie Time. Don't forget to fall asleep immediately.
Somewhere, Someone's talking. Take notes. Toss in trash.
Pick Up Paper New York Times. 1 minute read Headlines. Then logon to Drudge Report.
Return all Phone Calls from past six months.
Respond to all text messages as follows: WTF?
Stand in long lines, anywhere you can.
Never compliment a woman by saying 'What a nice ass you have.'
Put out joint before parking car.
If you find yourself watching television, then you look for a job tomorrow.
Do not try putting on your clothes while on the subway before work.
Use proper sentence structures. Then make up the rest.
Clearly indicate on your tax form: "Exempt due to Financial Bailout"
Start your car the night before a snowstorm, but remember its running the next morning.
Promptly extinguish identity issues for fantastical institutional conditioning.
Itinerate all "Yes, We Can" Barak Obama chants until reaching personal fulfilment.
Declare yourself a State of Emergency Personal Holiday so as to receive federal funds.
Shop online for shopping assistants who specifically shop online.
Modify statements to women such as "Your so hot, will you have a sandwich with me at my cubicle?"
Use laudromats rather than purchasing new clothes with credit cards which have the picture of "Got Milk?"
Buy a Voice-Activated Robot that brings you your cell phone from the other room when it rings.
Always put birthday candles on your peanut butter sandwichs at lunch to appease the picture of yourself as a stockbroker from the 1930's market crash wearing wooden barrel overalls and blowing your brains out.
Ask your mother to come over and hang out and straighen out your checking account while she's there.
Microwave raw hamburger meant for 10 hours to avoid the mess cleaning up a perflectly good frying pan.
Rather than say "May I be excused" say "I think I'm going to vomit all over the place."
Write to Congress and indicate your need for additional funds; otherwise, a significant part of the economy will go down the tubes.

Disgusting Restaurant

Boiled Toast
Fritos Platter with Canned Tuna
Soft Rib-Eye Horse Meat
Melba Toast with Boiled Peas
Refried Beans with Sauerkraut
Water Hose Stew
Peanut Butter Spread over Pillow
Toad Compost
Pickles and Orange Marmalade
BFI Surprise
Tofu, Sardine and Kentucky Fried Chicken Combo
Spagetti Hairball
Boiled Carrots mixed with Horseradish Sauce and Ginger Ale
Ex-cute kitten covered with taco sauce
Pop-Tart crumbled over Puree Of Lo-Mein
Bagel Slurry at Vincents with Babble Sauce
Vegan Meat Pebbles simmering in kale water
10-pound Bread Dough Situation with Artichoke spears sticking out
Viet Cong Hotdog
Socks soaking in Radiator Juice
Santa Banana
Hogmeat served over I-phone
Potato chips covered in mashed potatoes and coffee
Warm Beet juice over Nachos
Cold Tripe wedding cake
Amoeba Gazpacho
Fairy Ding Dongs
Bathroom Sink medley
Warmed Burger by Butt Compression
McDonalds' Value Meals 1 thru 7, crushed and pureed, served with a nice chianti 
Warm Flounder juice over iceburg lettuce
Prawn with pickled lima beans
Creamed spinich over HDTV
Problem Child Recycling Bin
New England Weather Margaritaville
Tax Problem served on a plate of Scratched Lottery Tickets
Cup of Nyquil mixed with Hair Lost Club for Men