Rossburger received the following letter from his health insurance company:
Dear Mr. Rossburger:
Of the course of time, this great company of ours has insured over 10 million individuals just like yourself, making sure the little things in life do not ultimately deliver you to the street. We know you have worked hard; for christ sakes, we all work hard, but our valuable relationship together overcomes all. We are proud to know that over a century of hard work, determination, and providing value to our sharesholders, we go the "extra mile" to provide that sense of compassion, that sense of ease and goodwill that you, as a valuable client, has entrusted . Your probably sitting there and saying "What kind of customer service letter this is?", but believe us when we tell you that your benefits, and the substantial assets our company holds under its belt, is enought to pluck you from our massive cash reserves, and deposit you appropriately.
Today, Backwash Health Insurance, Trust and Vernacular has changed its name, its vision and its committment to shareholders by unveiling in this glorious gloss letter, boldly documented and derived from 1000 hours of micro meetings, the incredible announcement we are too excited to share; nay, too supreme to enunciate due to the inability to construct words of faith. Your eyes are probably popping out of your head and you are probably reading this letter in the wildest hopes that your insignificantly comprehending mind could ever achieve. You are probably shaking, saying "My God, my health insurance company is a powerful unversal force". Read a little closer, tenant of this mortal bode. Do you know the cost of insuring your depreciating ass? Do you know how much your health insurance company takes it up the ass?
Congradulations, Mr. Rossburger. All future benefits will be paid out in company stock as opposed to cash. We've already sent out a flyer, button and funny bottle opener with your Personal ID and dentist appointment reminder highlight marker. Such personal attention is not all you'll be receiving. We have a game called, In a Corporation, where you try to figure out what's going on. We promise you you'll have loads of fun drawing the mazes and coloring in all the animals. Did you just say "Tell me more?" We thought so. Why don't you make yourself at home with your free ticket to Sitting Duck playing downtown with Green Tea and Small Circular dialogue. Good time if you have a family, even if you don't. Sit in a chair. Music. Leave. What a time to be a shareholder with Your Problems with reading letters!
Sincerely,
Pardon the Ass Metaphor
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